I'm not sure if this post will really make much sense but admittedly I'm writing it more for myself in an attempt to sort and remember my thoughts. That does not sound too promising when it comes to coherency but here goes.
I feel I had something of a revelation at our bible study this evening. We were walking through Acts 8:4-8 which is the same reading that was preached about during our Sunday service.
You can listen to it here: http://providencefrisco.com/sermons/the-gospel-rings-through-samaria/
In the sermon from Sunday Matt Boswell discussed the reality that, though he verbally accepted Christ, Simon was never truly filled with the Holy Spirit. Though the series of events in Acts is not the way we receive the Holy Spirit today because of the new covenant, the reality that there are people who accept Christ verbally but are not truly saved still exists today.
As I thought on this idea it started to manifest itself in my heart as doubt about my salvation. I do not have a "moment" when I was saved as some do. Quite frankly, there are times I wish I had...the last few days for example. I tend to fall under the impression that if I had a "moment" where I was saved and I could pinpoint the moment I gave my life to Christ that it would be much easier to push aside these questions I was having in my mind. "How do I know I'm really saved?" "How do I know I'm not just doing what I think I'm supposed to do?" I felt like if I could say "I know I'm really saved because of that time I fell to my knees and saw the light and everything changed" I wouldn't have to worry about doubting whether or not I had been truly saved. But the reality is that I did not have that moment and like many others it was, and is, much more of a "process" for me.
While I believe part of my struggle might be an effort by Satan to pull me further from Christ, ultimately I also know that God is working in every situation at every moment. A few people in our group talked about the reality that there are different ways of loving God and I think that it is all part of the sanctification process. There are people who love God for everything He does for them. That has very much been me. I have come to Christ and I have repeatedly been blessed by Him. But beyond this love for Christ because of what He can do for you, there is a love of Christ for what He can do in you and through you. The reality of this is sort of bowling me over right now. I feel getting to this realization is the reason I have struggled and this is where it has been leading me.
There is no doubt that I have been saved but I think the reason I was feeling that uncertainty was because I have not considered WHY I have been saved. Why did God choose me and what is HIS purpose for me? There will still be blessings given to me by the grace of God but I do not feel that I am called to follow Him so that I can reap those blessings. Rather, I am called to follow Him so I can allow Him to continue to sanctify me and use me as one of the countless tools in His arsenal of grace. HOW COOL IS THAT? How unbelievable that this Lord of lords has done all of these amazing things in my life and He is waiting for me to join his army. He has a plan for ME to be a blessing for others in showing them the love of Christ through me. It is so not about how God is going to show me He loves me. He loves me. That is it. That is enough. That is everything. I do not need to follow Christ so he can benefit me. Instead I follow Christ because I am His and He is mine forever and ever and He created me for a purpose and my role is to faithfully follow Him and allow Him to show me that purpose and fearlessly execute it.
I pray for the courage to do so in the best and worst of times. To accept the tests and be blessed with the testimonies. I pray that I will continue the parts of my relationship where I lean on Christ in times of weakness and rejoice with Him in celebration but I also pray that I will look to Him for guidance in carrying out His plan. Wow. What an incredible reality I've been hit with. Will you please pray for me that I will have the courage to faithfully do the work God intends for me and not to be afraid?
“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”
I had pretty amazing day a few weeks back. I got to watch this guy:
Fly this:
(In word form that's my fiance flying a T-6.)
This was definitely near the top of my list of favorite days. I was witness to Kyle's decision-making process when he was trying to determine whether or not he should pursue grad school. At MIT. For free. Seems like a no-brainer, right? But for someone who has been dreaming for years of flying jets for a living it wasn't easy to put this on hold for two years. Selfishly I'm glad he did because I seriously. loved. Boston.
How can you not?
Still, Kyle's been waiting a long time for this and I can't tell you how exciting it was! I knew it would be cool to witness but had no idea just how grateful I would feel to be there. For me it was such a tangible representation of everything he has worked so hard for. He also looked SO good doing it.
In addition to being really, really nice to look at, he's also so inspiring. God has put this man in my life who shows me every single day what it means to set your mind to something, work hard, and achieve it. I have some long term aspirations that I know I would never actually consider pursuing if it weren't for his example.
Visiting Kyle at an actual Air Force base has given me a better idea of what military life will be like and I'm so anxious to be living in the same place.
Soon he will be flying the T-6 solo then moving to the T-38's. In less than a year we will find out what plane Kyle will be flying for his career and I can't wait to see where this crazy awesome career choice takes us!
"Listen to advice, but follow your heart."
No doubt there are far more complicated things in life but one thing I find tricky is telling people what I want to be when I grow up. I have a great job in corporate America doing exactly what I went to school for. I have an apartment I love and on occasion I find myself with a few dollars in my savings account but if you ask me what I want to be when I grow up it isn't found anywhere on my company's career path. When I grow up I want to be a wife and a mom.
As women we often measure ourselves against one another and I believe we are doing ourselves such a disservice. I will never be as creative or patient as some women but I have strengths they don't. They will never be as good at Gilmore Girls trivia as I am. God has a unique and divine purpose for everyone one of us. I wish we would look at the positive qualities in other women and use them to inspire ourselves instead of feeling less about ourselves because of the title of their job, size of their home or amount of things they seem to be able to manage at once.
I grew up with a grandmother with a masters degree and a mother who realized college wasn't right for her. These are two of the smartest women I know and without a doubt the two women who have had the greatest influence on my life. I have never once thought one was more successful than the other. Honestly, it was their example as wives and mothers that has resonated with me more than any accomplishment either has had in the workplace. Trust me, they've both had many.
Make no mistake, I have no idea what the map of my life looks like but for now I think I can see the next few steps and for me they include a few jobs I am so excited about. While these are, at this point in my life, my greatest aspirations, I have other goals and dreams as well that I hope I'll be blessed to pursue. I was lucky enough to be raised in a home where I grew up believing I could do whatever I wanted to do and do it well. I'm also lucky enough to get the chance to follow my heart.
There are thousands of amazing people doing this exact job right now and killing it. Still, many times when I'm not talking to a wife or mom I tend to get a polite smile when this topic comes up. Quite frankly sometimes I feel like I need to have a defense ready when I say it. I think this comes from the fact that many incredible women fought incredibly hard so we had the opportunity to grow up and take on roles outside the household. For this I am so grateful. I don't believe every woman is called to be a wife or a mother or both. I also think there are women, many women, who are meant to be wives and mothers and doctors and soldiers and teachers etc etc etc. I'm also not naive enough to think there aren't wives and mothers who would love for their resumes to end there but because of the circumstances of their lives find themselves taking on additional roles.
I grew up with a grandmother with a masters degree and a mother who realized college wasn't right for her. These are two of the smartest women I know and without a doubt the two women who have had the greatest influence on my life. I have never once thought one was more successful than the other. Honestly, it was their example as wives and mothers that has resonated with me more than any accomplishment either has had in the workplace. Trust me, they've both had many.
Make no mistake, I have no idea what the map of my life looks like but for now I think I can see the next few steps and for me they include a few jobs I am so excited about. While these are, at this point in my life, my greatest aspirations, I have other goals and dreams as well that I hope I'll be blessed to pursue. I was lucky enough to be raised in a home where I grew up believing I could do whatever I wanted to do and do it well. I'm also lucky enough to get the chance to follow my heart.
"I sat beside you and became myself"
I'm pretty sure the last time I posted here I sent the link to a bunch of friends and family to let them know I'd be blogging more...
....
.......
.......
....starting now.
To be honest I'm mainly blogging because my fiance has kindly asked me to multiple times. Oh, what was that? Fiance? WHY YES! Much has happened since arriving in Texas.
We have added a child.
....
.......
.......
....starting now.
To be honest I'm mainly blogging because my fiance has kindly asked me to multiple times. Oh, what was that? Fiance? WHY YES! Much has happened since arriving in Texas.
We have added a child.
Who Kipper loves, Praise God.
And then Kyle decided to make an honest mother out of me and asked me to be his wife!!
Honestly, this was the best day of my life. I am so crazy about this man and I couldn't be more blessed to get to be his wife. This relationship has taught me so much, most importantly faith in God's timing. To read more about our engagement and see the awesome video Kyle made check out our wedding website here:
I don't want to skim over the importance of gaining a child either.
This crazy girl is Lindy! She's named after Charles Lindbergh.
She is a now 8-month-old Brittney Spaniel Mix. She is the most loving and cuddly dog I've ever met and she's also the most mischievous. Last week she chewed the pipe that connects my toilet to the wall and flooded my entire apartment. So needless to say she keeps things interesting.
Honestly, my life is beautiful right now. I am getting ready to marry the most incredible person I've ever known, I have two crazy-lovable dogs who make me laugh and make me crazy every day, I've found a church and a community group that keep me centered in Christ when I need it most, even when I don't realize it, I have an incredible, supportive family and future-family and wonderful friends that are family.
“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”
WE'RE HERE!!
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(He loves it, I swear.)
I'm actually a little nervous about the wheels coming off and things getting miserable because so far I am REALLY liking Dallas. To be fair, I think I've arrived at a peak time, weather-wise. It has been mid-70's and sunny every day we've been here. That's definitely helped when it comes to falling in love with my location. Being within walking distance of restaurants, bars, coffee shops, shopping and CUPCAKES makes me really happy too. The ability to sit outside with this guy and get him a pupcake for dessert is too much fun.
Kyle and I had such a blast road-tripping down here. We got to see a lot of the country and, most importantly, we were able to see lots of family in CP. All of our road trip photos are on Kyle's camera so sadly that means no one will ever see them again ever. Just picture Scranton, PA; Memphis; Little Rock and more of Dallas.
I'll be in temporary housing until mid-May and I am really happy with my current place.
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The boys had no problem getting comfortable...
That being said, Kyle left this morning and I'm already missing him. So lucky to be much closer than we would have been if I were in Boston but it's still sad to see the time in our lives where we were able to see each other almost every day come to an end...or at least an extended pause. I'll miss that time so much but couldn't be more excited for this adventure in his life to finally begin.
Based on our experience so far, I have no doubt we will make our limited time together count while we're here.
Tomorrow I'll be visiting a new church for Easter. I'm hoping I'll be as blessed as I was in Boston to find such an amazing community though I can't say I'm not a little nervous about the process.
Weird anecdote-- I had lunch with my friend Shelly and her fiance Jason this evening and while we were eating outside and enjoying our $12 bottle of happy hour wine (SERIOUSLY!) a bird fell from the sky and dropped dead right next to our table. Luckily for me it was next to Shelly and Jason so I did not have to look at it while they had to not only endure the initial incident but then witness a passerby unknowingly step right on it. Needless to say, we decided to change tables. While Shelly walked to the new table and Jason and I began to follow, what did I spy but ANOTHER DEAD BIRD next to that table. Outside of the dying birds, Dallas has been an absolute delight.
In closing, I leave you with this. I decided that it was worth $85 to get this license plate. On my list of Dallas goals (soon to come) I probably ought to include getting better with budgeting.
“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.”
Well here we are! I'm four days away from wrapping up this Boston adventure. Admittedly, outside of saying goodbye to a wonderful friend Saturday, this is the first day it's truly started to hit me that I'm leaving. I'm not sure who, but according to my "blogger stats" there are a few people still reading this thing so if you're not in the loop, I've taken a job in Dallas, TX starting April 1st. Kyle, Kipper and I will hit the road this Saturday.
I'm feeling quite a few emotions about this new adventure. I'm excited, no doubt. The opportunity to be two hours of driving from my favorite guy (excluding Kipper) instead of 4 hours of flying makes me really happy. Throughout this journey I've come to the somewhat terrifying realization that I see my future with him. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend two years with Kyle while he was something of a "civilian." The memories we've made here are more than I ever expected. It's no secret that I hoped we'd be leaving this town the way we are- together. Still, I never could have imagined the ride we'd take. In the end, I feel blessed.
I'll be leaving Boston in the care of some truly special people. While emotions aren't necessarily my favorite thing, there are so many people I will be so sad to leave. I'd be lying if I said I weren't just hoping to get the heck out of here before I have to actually address too many feelings...
In my first post before I left I listed some hopes I had for this move:
1. Figure out how to get out of my own head all the time.
I've grown a lot over the last two years. I've learned how to be independent and I've also learned that it's okay to be vulnerable. I've learned how to be brave and I've learned that everyone gets scared. I've learned that mistakes are a part of life and the worst thing you can do is refuse to learn from them. I've learned that family is forever and that sometimes friends really do become family. I've learned that sometimes alone time is a good thing but a dog makes it a whole lot better. I've learned that God truly has a plan for me and while trusting in that can sometimes be the hardest thing, it really is the best thing. Besides, it's looking good so far...
If you'll stay with me, I'll try to carry this thing into my next adventure!
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I'm feeling quite a few emotions about this new adventure. I'm excited, no doubt. The opportunity to be two hours of driving from my favorite guy (excluding Kipper) instead of 4 hours of flying makes me really happy. Throughout this journey I've come to the somewhat terrifying realization that I see my future with him. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend two years with Kyle while he was something of a "civilian." The memories we've made here are more than I ever expected. It's no secret that I hoped we'd be leaving this town the way we are- together. Still, I never could have imagined the ride we'd take. In the end, I feel blessed.
I'll be leaving Boston in the care of some truly special people. While emotions aren't necessarily my favorite thing, there are so many people I will be so sad to leave. I'd be lying if I said I weren't just hoping to get the heck out of here before I have to actually address too many feelings...
In my first post before I left I listed some hopes I had for this move:
1. Figure out how to get out of my own head all the time.
- I'm not there, but I'm better! That being said, I don't think analysis is always a bad thing.
- DEFINITELY. Downtime is not the worst.
- Check! I've learned so much about Boston, myself, others, management, allocation, life, love, "parenting" and the list goes on...
- Check. The ability to take in and savor a moment is such a wonderful thing to learn.
- I couldn't have imagined a better church with better people or a better message. I have grown so much in my faith and that is truly the greatest gift to come from this journey.
- Yes! Best recommendations from my reading the last two years- More Than a Carpenter and The Time Traveler's Wife
- Had to save something for the Dallas list...right?
- Better. I'm at a place where I can acknowledge when I'm being negative so I think that's something.
- Yes!! I've gotten pretty good with chicken breasts! And I'm not awful with a crock pot either...
- So much better than I once was but still plenty to learn.
I've grown a lot over the last two years. I've learned how to be independent and I've also learned that it's okay to be vulnerable. I've learned how to be brave and I've learned that everyone gets scared. I've learned that mistakes are a part of life and the worst thing you can do is refuse to learn from them. I've learned that family is forever and that sometimes friends really do become family. I've learned that sometimes alone time is a good thing but a dog makes it a whole lot better. I've learned that God truly has a plan for me and while trusting in that can sometimes be the hardest thing, it really is the best thing. Besides, it's looking good so far...
If you'll stay with me, I'll try to carry this thing into my next adventure!
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"I am, in every thought of my heart, yours."
Day 26- What kind of person attracts you
Day 27- A problem that you've had
Over thinking
Day 28- Something that you miss
My family
Day 29- Goals for the next 30 days
Appreciating what I have
Day 30- Your highs and lows of this month
Highs: Gaining perspective
Lows: Over thinking in the process
Woo!! Did it. :-)
Cute ones
Over thinking
Day 28- Something that you miss
My family
Day 29- Goals for the next 30 days
Appreciating what I have
Day 30- Your highs and lows of this month
Highs: Gaining perspective
Lows: Over thinking in the process
Woo!! Did it. :-)
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