I'm not sure if this post will really make much sense but admittedly I'm writing it more for myself in an attempt to sort and remember my thoughts. That does not sound too promising when it comes to coherency but here goes.
I feel I had something of a revelation at our bible study this evening. We were walking through Acts 8:4-8 which is the same reading that was preached about during our Sunday service.
You can listen to it here: http://providencefrisco.com/sermons/the-gospel-rings-through-samaria/
In the sermon from Sunday Matt Boswell discussed the reality that, though he verbally accepted Christ, Simon was never truly filled with the Holy Spirit. Though the series of events in Acts is not the way we receive the Holy Spirit today because of the new covenant, the reality that there are people who accept Christ verbally but are not truly saved still exists today.
As I thought on this idea it started to manifest itself in my heart as doubt about my salvation. I do not have a "moment" when I was saved as some do. Quite frankly, there are times I wish I had...the last few days for example. I tend to fall under the impression that if I had a "moment" where I was saved and I could pinpoint the moment I gave my life to Christ that it would be much easier to push aside these questions I was having in my mind. "How do I know I'm really saved?" "How do I know I'm not just doing what I think I'm supposed to do?" I felt like if I could say "I know I'm really saved because of that time I fell to my knees and saw the light and everything changed" I wouldn't have to worry about doubting whether or not I had been truly saved. But the reality is that I did not have that moment and like many others it was, and is, much more of a "process" for me.
While I believe part of my struggle might be an effort by Satan to pull me further from Christ, ultimately I also know that God is working in every situation at every moment. A few people in our group talked about the reality that there are different ways of loving God and I think that it is all part of the sanctification process. There are people who love God for everything He does for them. That has very much been me. I have come to Christ and I have repeatedly been blessed by Him. But beyond this love for Christ because of what He can do for you, there is a love of Christ for what He can do in you and through you. The reality of this is sort of bowling me over right now. I feel getting to this realization is the reason I have struggled and this is where it has been leading me.
There is no doubt that I have been saved but I think the reason I was feeling that uncertainty was because I have not considered WHY I have been saved. Why did God choose me and what is HIS purpose for me? There will still be blessings given to me by the grace of God but I do not feel that I am called to follow Him so that I can reap those blessings. Rather, I am called to follow Him so I can allow Him to continue to sanctify me and use me as one of the countless tools in His arsenal of grace. HOW COOL IS THAT? How unbelievable that this Lord of lords has done all of these amazing things in my life and He is waiting for me to join his army. He has a plan for ME to be a blessing for others in showing them the love of Christ through me. It is so not about how God is going to show me He loves me. He loves me. That is it. That is enough. That is everything. I do not need to follow Christ so he can benefit me. Instead I follow Christ because I am His and He is mine forever and ever and He created me for a purpose and my role is to faithfully follow Him and allow Him to show me that purpose and fearlessly execute it.
I pray for the courage to do so in the best and worst of times. To accept the tests and be blessed with the testimonies. I pray that I will continue the parts of my relationship where I lean on Christ in times of weakness and rejoice with Him in celebration but I also pray that I will look to Him for guidance in carrying out His plan. Wow. What an incredible reality I've been hit with. Will you please pray for me that I will have the courage to faithfully do the work God intends for me and not to be afraid?