Edit: I wrote this post a few weeks back and didn't publish it because I didn't want to be a downer. I decided that now that it's paired with a cheerful post about my awesome weekend I'll go ahead and post it in the spirit of sharing both the ups and the downs.
Some days suck. I always wait to blog until I'm in a really good mood because I don't think anyone wants to read about me whining. I know the last blog was all about my bad luck but I also chose to write it when I had things under control for the most part and was no longer totally freaking out, except due to insane caffeine. Anyway, I just feel like being realistic and saying that as much as I truly love Boston and in addition to all the amazing experiences I'm having, there are bad days here just like there are anywhere else. There are days where I really, really miss my family. There are days when I just get inside my head and dwell way too much on too many things. There are days when people lift me up and days when they let me down. And there are days when all of those things happen at once and perspective is a little hard to come by.
When I type things out then it gives me the chance to analyze it and think about how much worse things could be and to realize that I'm probably being dramatic but I've been saying "sorry I'm being dramatic" and "sorry I'm rambling" etc. etc. way too much and I think that once in awhile I just have to be dramatic and ramble. So that's what this is. I'm being dramatic and I'm rambling. And it might all be really annoying but fortunately I do not have you cornered in a room somewhere that doesn't allow a polite departure. You are free to exit at any point. Fortunately for the lucky few who do actually have to listen to me on such days, they are fairly rare.
I feel like I've been really anxious to make sense of every little thing, to have a clear, one sentence summary as to what I'm thinking/feeling/doing or why I'm thinking/feeling/doing it. As though if I can't completely justify why something makes me happy or sad then I shouldn't be feeling it and I'm irrational if I do. I think that's the wrong approach. I think if something is going to make me sad then fine. And if it's going to make me happy then fine. I think I worry too much about what other people are going to think or say instead of acknowledging that people don't actually care that much about what I'm doing and the people that do care would have already run for the hills by now if they were going to so I think they're going to stick around. I also think I need to keep good old Eleanor Roosevelt, or El Ro as I call her, in mind when she said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent because I'm not loving that feeling as of late.
I've been thinking a lot about who exactly I am compared to who I want to be. Could there possibly be a more dramatic and obnoxious sentence than that one? What I mean to say is that I have this idea of who I am in a friendship, family, relationship, as an employee etc etc and in some cases I've been struggling with whether or not the idea I have in my head is actually what I'm expressing and whether that means I need to change the way I'm acting or perhaps change the idea in my head. In the midst of determining that I can't figure out if I'm creating unrealistic expectations or doing myself a disservice by thinking they may be unrealistic.
I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. I don't know if I'll find any answers or if I'll just come to accept that life is far less black and white than I'd like it to be. I imagine I may find myself somewhere in the middle.
End dramatic ramble. I promise to blog about something fun next time. Thanks for listening. :-)
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